***My sisters and I are pleased to have a guest blogger, Kay West here on The Kusi Life sharing her story in our “See the Happy” Series.
I remember sitting in church on Mother’s Day, the feeling of emptiness that filled my
heart, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to make their appearance. It was
a day that was supposed to be filled with joy and love, but Mother’s Day to me
brought sadness, and a feeling of inadequacy. I was not enough. I was insufficient. I
was not good enough.
Each year that passed as newlyweds in our church, more and more would ask when
our children were coming. It’s something I can look back on now and, not laugh, but
no longer feel hurt or anger; I feel more understanding and patience.
It was another Mother’s Day in our ward, and another stab in my heart. Mother’s
Day to me brought nothing but heartache and questions. Why? Why wasn’t I being
blessed with children I so desperately wanted? Why wasn’t I good enough to be a
mother? Why wasn’t I whole enough, faithful enough, strong enough? Every year
that passed was like going through an emotional mourning process, an actual loss
My husband and I were good people. We tried to live righteously. We tried to
follow the commandments, and do all that was asked of us. Still, there was no
miracle granted. No prayer answered. I felt like such a failure. Wasn’t I put on this
earth to be sealed with a good man in the temple? Weren’t we then supposed to
have children to fill our home with laughter and tears, joy and sibling fights, sticky
fingers and sleeping angels?
“Huh, I am not sure what’s wrong.” The doctor had said to us. “There is nothing
medically wrong with either one of you.” He chalked it up to “unexplained
infertility”. That’s what was written in our file. This was followed by 2 years of
infertility treatments, and testing. I felt so alone. I felt so broken. I felt like it was all
I swallowed hard, and forced back the tears, and stood with a smile to receive my
Mother’s Day chocolate. The young men all came around, and I graciously thanked
them and left the chapel with my husband. I tried not to burden him with my
thoughts of failure and inadequacy, but it was beginning to take its toll. He was so
patient and understanding, and even with each blessing he gave me, I was no closer
It wasn’t until I went visiting teaching of all things, where I was reminded of how
individually our Heavenly Father knows and loves each one of us. I was visiting an
elderly sister, and I loved her. We began talking, and I have no idea how, but she
started to talk about how someone in her family was going through the adoption
process. I began to ask questions, and she began to tell me more and more. Then
my companion shared that she had family members that had adopted also. A whole
new world was opened to me, and I knew it was my Heavenly Father’s Hand gently
guiding me, for what else could it be when I had visited with these sisters for
months, and this topic had never come up.
All of a sudden, after years of infertility, new faith and hope was born. As I began to
learn more and more about adoption, more and more friends, and family talked to
us about someone they knew, or a loved one who had gone through the adoption
process. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it before. When my husband and I
were first married, we had even thought about adoption, but that was after we had
As I prayed about it, I realized how I had never been alone. There were thousands of
women out there, just like me, who longed to be a mother, but for one reason or
another were unable to. But now I knew Heavenly Father was in my life, just as He
was in everyone else’s lives. Our opportunity to be parents was possible, and it
We prayed, and fasted, and felt good about adopting. We let our families know, and
they supported us. All of a sudden, the blessing of being parents came. We were
blessed with our son, only 24 hours old, and exactly 9 months after we began the
adoption process. We were blessed with our daughter 13 months later, 36 hours
old and barely 5 lbs.
I learned I had a loving Heavenly Father there guiding us, always. I had known the
whole time He was there but when you hope for something, something good, and
you pray and have faith and it just never happens you begin to have doubts of your
own self worth. It is sometimes easier to think you are alone. That you are not
worthy of the love and the blessings than it is to push through and endure the
With the renewed knowledge and strength I had been blessed with we were able to
endure and have been so blessed. Did everything come easy after that? Definitely
We did not get to adopt our third child, even after having her for a year. I have
had a miscarriage, which I had to have a D&C for. Our daughter is special needs
from substance abuse during pregnancy. But with each new challenge, I am now
able to face them head on, knowing that Heavenly Father will always be there for
me, even when I need to learn and grow a little on my own first. It’s doesn’t make
the challenge easier, but there is definitely less heartache. Enduring the challenge is
not as difficult.
There is always a light somewhere at the end of the dark tunnel. There is always
someone out there who has gone through what you have, or is going through what
There is always a new day on the horizon. There is always a rainbow
somewhere after the rain. And always, there is a loving Heavenly Father who knows
you, who loves you, and who is in every detail of your life, no matter how great or
small. And that knowledge right there is enough to get you through the toughest
times in life, and lets you gloriously celebrate the best of times in life.
We appreciate Kay sharing her story with us!
Kay is a wife and a mother of two beautiful children. Her children joined her family through adoption from the day they were born. This unique experience has brought with it learning, challenges, blessings, and understanding. They are a Canadian family, living an American adventure for the past 10 years. Kay loves writing, ice cream, and anything creative. She has experienced years of infertility, miscarriage, adoption, and raising a special needs child. After years of questions, and sharing her story, she felt inspired to finally start documenting little bits and pieces of it on her blog, Three Toques and a Tiara,. She has been able to do it all with the support of her loving husband, and a little bit of faith every day.